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“In this trembling moment … is it still possible to face the gathering darkness, and say to the physical earth, and to all its creatures, including ourselves, fiercely and without embarrassment, I love you, and to embrace the burning world.”  — Barry Lopez

I love these words by Barry Lopez, a writer whose essays and books are in tune with my wonder and love of nature. I came across them while doing a writing exercise designed to interrupt my recent bout of writer’s block.

The exercise was to simply open any book, to any page, and write down a sentence found there, then to reflect on it. I chose the book The Best American Essays 2021, which was sitting on the top of a stack of books to be read.

Finding Lopez’s sentence, which was much longer than shared above, during my first attempt at doing the exercise feels like fate is playing a game with me. It feels too perfect a sentence for someone like me at this time in my life.

I badly want to believe that better days, for America, for the whole world in fact, still lie ahead for my great-grandchildren and their children. I want to believe that while I’ve been forced to accept that the world isn’t fair, that what goes around still comes around.

And I need to believe that there is still a purpose in life for this old abroad who can no longer climb a mountain or paddle a boat down a river. Yes Barry, I can still tell the earth, and its multitude of creatures – well except maybe a couple – that I do love you. Meanwhile, such a sentence as yours heightens my faith that the written word can help bring change about.

It means that as long as I can stream words together that foster love and acceptance of those who are different, my life still does have purpose.

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining

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And a Happy Thanksgiving to all. — Art by Pat Bean

          As I sit here on the day before Thanksgiving, with a newly applied 24-hour heart monitor placed on my chest this morning, I am extremely thankful for my life. At 86, I’m still moving and enjoying my days. And so, I give you a mere 100 things I’m thankful for.

  1. Simply surviving the past year, after a major heart attack in 2024, tops the list.  
  2. Next are all the family members and friends who have supported and loved me this past year.
  3. I’m also thankful for my writing comrades, the Eastside Tucson Writers here in town, and the members of Story Circle Network whose daily online presence inspires me to keep writing.
  4. I’m thankful for my canine companion Scamp, who is never far from my side and whose antics often provide laughter, and whose presence makes me happy. Taking care of him also fulfills a need I have to be useful.
  5.  I’m thankful for heating and air conditioning that keep me comfortable despite the weather outside. I think back to the years I lived on the Texas Gulf Coast without air conditioning and wonder how I survived.  I think back over the years a lot. The changes amaze me – and sometimes confuse me as well.                
  6. And that brings me to the next thing I am thankful for: the ability and willingness to change with the times. As writer and philosopher Alan Watts once said. “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
  7. I’m thankful for the spark of joy and happiness deep within me that has nothing to do with what’s going on in my life. It’s something I have come to realize I was born with and that not all people have. It’s what keeps me looking for that silver lining when all is chaos around me.
  8. I’m thankful that I’m a writer, and for the good life it has given me.
  9. I’m thankful for the view of the Catalina Mountains that greet me outside my patio door most mornings, even before I get out of bed.
  10.  I’m thankful for neighbors who pop in for a visit, or who stop to smile and chat a few minutes when they see me out walking Scamp, or in the case of my next-door neighbor Hiroko, who walks Scamp most evenings, a holdover from my heart attack last year when others had to give him his daily walks for a while.
  11.   I’m thankful for Dusty, a rescue mutt and Scamp’s best friend, who I have babysat for 12 years now. I’m also thankful for Dusty’s mom, Jean, who makes sure I’m still breathing each morning when she drops her dog off before going on to work. Scamp sometimes lets me sleep in until almost 8 a.m.  My granddaughter Shanna and my oldest son, D.C. also check in with me daily.  I’m blessed with love, for which I am very thankful.
  12.  As I am for my memories, especially since it’s the good times and not the bad times that most often find their way to the surface. Like most of us, I’ve had my share of both.
  13.  I’m thankful for rainbows. And for:
  14.  My doctors and modern medicine.
  15.  A hot bath.
  16.  A comfortable bed.
  17.  Good chocolate.
  18.  Books and their authors.
  19.  The New York Times, my morning newspaper these days. I read it online.
  20.  And thinking of that, I’m thankful for my computer, which connects me to the world.
  21.  The television series Survivor, Amazing Race, Challenge and British mysteries, my all-time favorite shows.  
  22.  A rainy day and a good book.
  23.  Birds.
  24.  My Roomba.
  25.  My new recliner, which is big enough for me to share with my dog.
  26.  A road trip this past September with my best friend Kim.
  27.  National parks and bird and animal sanctuaries.
  28.  My small patio yard, which the birds love.
  29.  Competitive card and board games.
  30.  Funky earrings.
  31.  Comfortable shoes;
  32.  Warm fuzzy socks on a cold day.
  33.  Tye-Dye T-shirts.
  34.  Plants, especially my rubber tree plant which is over 30 years old.
  35.  Jigsaw puzzles.
  36.  My rollator, which lets me walk at my former fast pace.
  37.  The oldest thing I own, which is a drawing of a cardinal owned by my grandmother, who was my favorite person until she died when I was 11.
  38.  My piddling with watercolors.
  39.  America.
  40.  Being a woman.
  41.  My leaf blower, because raking hurts my back.
  42.  Smiles from a stranger, and anybody else, too.
  43.  Deep belly laughs.
  44.  My car, and that I can still drive.
  45.  My morning two cups of coffee with cream.
  46.  Strong women.
  47.  Our family football pool, which helps keep scattered loved ones connected.
  48.  A visit this past year by my youngest daughter, T.C., who I hadn’t seen in quite a while, as well as a visit from my oldest daughter, Deborah and her husband Neal.
  49.  Bookstores, especially Back of Beyond in Moab, Utah, which I got to visit during my road trip with Kim.
  50.  Snail-mail letters.
  51.  Maps.
  52.  Photo memories that drop into my email daily.
  53.  Flowers.
  54.  Hot dogs, with chili, onions and cheese.
  55.  My binoculars, so I can look at birds close up.
  56.  Good, honest and truthful journalism – and yes, it’s still out there.
  57.  Libraries.
  58.  Dad jokes, because my oldest son tells them.
  59.  Bird and other field guides.
  60.  My Dick Tracy watch, at least that’s what I call it because I can get and make phone calls on it. It’s my medical alert plan.
  61.  That after trial and error, I can finally make pumpkin soup that tastes as good as what I had on my African safari.
  62.  Boxes full of surprises that my daughter-in-law sends me
  63.  A blank page waiting to be filled with my words and thoughts.
  64.  Reading glasses.
  65.  The time I now have alone to reflect and connect the dots of my life.
  66.  That if I die tomorrow, I’m ready – but not eager.
  67.  Grandkids and great grandkids.
  68.  Kind and caring people.
  69.  Learning something new, hopefully for every day for the rest of my life.
  70.  Olay moisturizing body wash, a new find this past year.
  71.  Ice in my Jack and Coke.
  72. A clean refrigerator, which mine seldom is.
  73.  Microwave for cooking leftovers.
  74.  Sun, moon and stars.
  75.  The drive up to the top of Mount Lemmon on the Scenic Island Skyway with a grandson and his family.
  76.  Shortbread cookies.
  77.  Email, despite the junk.
  78.  My pill organizer. Never thought I would say that, but then I’ve never been 86 before.
  79.  Home delivery.
  80.  Bright colors.
  81.  Trees, like aspens whose coin-like leaves turn golden in fall, or oaks trees whose twisting branches turn into art.
  82.  Smucker’s sweet orange marmalade on my morning – or midnight – toast.
  83.  My curiosity.
  84.  Monday mornings. I like the feel of a fresh start, and Mondays remind me of this.
  85.  Living alone but never being lonely.
  86.  A good pen.
  87.  Hugs.
  88.  The image in my mind of the peaceful place where I dumped my mother’s ashes.
  89.  My monthly Social Security check.
  90.  Yellow and gold sunrises and purple and orange sunsets.
  91.  Helen Reddy singing “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar.” – and when I am brave enough to sing this song at a karaoke gathering despite the fact I am tone deaf. A couple of Jack and Cokes beforehand helps.
  92.  A good haircut.
  93.  Clean water to drink, and friendly reminders to drink more of it.
  94.  Scamp’s wonderful groomer, who not only comes to my place, but tells me Scamp is a “good, sweet boy,” despite the fact he got expelled from PetSmart. Have I mentioned that he is a Siberian husky/shih tzu rescue mutt.
  95.  Stimulating conversations, especially where differing people can share their views and nobody gets upset or ugly – and might even learn something.
  96.   Glass containers with lids that can go from the refrigerator to the icebox, or even the oven.
  97.  For the saguaro cacti that can be seen all around Tucson.
  98.  For 50 years of journals.
  99.  That I’ve lived long enough to have wrinkles. I’m proud of every one.

100 And finally for all the readers of my blogs. This, by the way, is the 1,648th one I’ve posted over the years.   

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining.

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Quotes From My Journal

“This morning do something different: When you wake up in the morning, wake your forgotten and forsaken dreams up as well, wake them up like an insisting rooster!” – Mehmet Murat ildan

Aging My Way

I’m a collector of quotes, and I thought it would be fun to share a few that have particular meaning to me.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” Bertram Russell, British philosopher. Something to remember when I’m enjoying wasting time.

“I might not always have a clue what I’m doing, but I’ll get there eventually.” – Ioana Seritan, a birder like me. This made me think about the nine years I traveled around the country without GPS. I got lost often but always ended up where I was going. Getting lost was part of the fun – still is.

 “It is the part of us that is not like the others that makes us special.” – Actress Sharon Stone. I wish I had known that when I was a young girl because I never felt like the others.

We shall never have equal rights until we take them, nor equal respect until we command it.” – Belva Lockwood, who ran for president in 1884 and was the first woman to argue a case before the Supreme Court. I fought for equal pay for equal work my whole working career.  And the fight for equality by women is more important today than ever.  

Wishy Washy can be dull,” Dinty W. Moore, American Essayist. I need to take this good advice from Dinty. I certainly don’t want to bore my readers.

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining.

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Looking For – and Finding – Joy

Watching and drawing birds gives me joy.

“Joy is not in things; it is in us.” – Richard Wagner

Aging My Way

If ever there was a time to have joy in my life, it is now. For one thing, I’m an old broad who raised five children without disposable diapers. And since, as a retired newspaper journalist, I can’t find any joy in reading the news, I’m looking for it elsewhere.

The magic is that I don’t have to leave home to find it.

Take for instance just the past five days when I started keeping a joy journal.

Monday: Joy was waking up at dawn and watching an Anna’s hummingbird at my nectar feeder and listening to sparrows and finches twittering their own joy for a new day.

Tuesday: Joy was grinding some coffee beans from Kenya, a gift from my guardian angel daughter in law, and then enjoying a freshly brewed cup of coffee with a good book in my hand and my canine companion Scamp beside me.

Wednesday: Joy was having a good friend stop by for a happy hour, and the good cheer and laughter that came with the visit.

Thursday: Joy was the faithful daily call from a son and our conversation this day about a TV program we’re both watching and who won the daily game of Wordle.

Friday: Joy was a call from a long-time friend to discuss our upcoming road trip, my first since my heart attack a year and a half ago. And thinking about it after we hung up, my mind began singing Willie Nelson’s On The Road Again. At heart, I’m a wanderer.

I know these are simple, small things. But then the years have taught me that’s where joy is usually found.

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining.

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When Words Don’t Come

Aging My Way

I haven’t been blogging much lately. The truth is, I seem to have run out of words. That’s not surprising since this is my 1,639th blog.

So, for today, since writing a blog tops my to-do list, I’m sharing some words of the Dalai Lama – ones that that have personally come in handy over the years:   

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

 Spend some time alone every day.

And remember that silence is sometimes the best answer – This is especially good advice for someone like me who has foot-in-mouth disease. I should have followed it a lot more than I did.

Finally, to add to these, I would simply say it’s good to laugh a lot, particularly at yourself. What would you add?

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining.

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Aging My Way

“The mind is its own place, and in it self can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n.” — William Henry Hudson, from Paradise Lost

I follow a group called Happy Hippies on Face Book, which posts things old broad octogenarians like me can relate to. For example, I came across this one this morning: Don’t mess with me. I’m a wooden spoon, lead paint, no car seat, no bike helmet, pickup bed riding, garden hose drinking survivor.

Yup! That’s me.

And then there was this Happy Hippy post that I came across a while back. It described me so well that I copied it down in my journal: “Maybe the happy ending is that you fall in love with your life, eat your favorite foods, admire sunrises and sunsets, pick up the book you’ve been meaning to finish, dance to your favorite songs, buy yourself flowers and bring your mind back to how truly blessed you are,”

I think what it comes down to, as William Henry Hudson said, is choosing joy, no matter what is going on in your life — or whatever is going on around you. That’s wise advice for these times.

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining. She also believes one is never too old to chase a dream.

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Old age means you don’t have to set your alarm clock anymore. — Art by Pat Bean

After 30, a body has a mind of its own. – Bette Midler

Aging My Way

As a 30-year-old editor, I would have changed that to read: After 30, a mind has a body of its own. But as an 86-year-old editor, the only change I would make to Bette’s quote would be to change 30 to 70.

Accurate, or not by medical standards, my body and my mind felt most alive and healthy when I was between the ages of 40 and 60, perhaps because those were the years when I was most active – both physically and mentally. I was quite a late bloomer in all departments.

My body continued to mostly behave itself until I hit my 70s. By the 80s, however, all I can say about my body is it’s in the toilet, which makes me want to repeat, at least a dozen times, my favorite word: Shit!

But life goes on. That’s how the cookie crumbles.

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining. She also believes one is never too old to chase a dream.

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Life is Like That

Life is also full of birds if you just look. I didn’t start looking until I was 60. — Art by Pat Bean

“If you are too careful, you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something.” — Gertrude Stein

That’s exactly what happened to me this morning when I opened a new bag of coffee and poured it into a canister.

I always get a few grounds scattered about when I do this, but was determined it wasn’t going to happen this time.

Yup! You guessed it. I didn’t spill a few grounds; I spilled about half a cup of them.

Life is like that the years have taught me. So, after cleaning up the mess, I did the only logical thing to do. I laughed at myself.

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining. She also believes one is never too old to chase a dream.

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Yellow warblers sometimes visit my small yard. — Art by Pat Bean

Aging My Way

“Old age is something only the lucky get to do.”

I was surprised on a recent morning to realize I was sitting in my small patio yard – doing nothing. I had gone out to sit in a cool breeze and watch birds as I drank my morning cream-laced coffee.

But the wind was not gentle, typical for Tucson, and the birds had gone into sheltered hiding somewhere. Their absence barely resonated with me, until I finally realized how comfortable and peaceful I was just sitting there, a state of mind that is fairly new to me.

But I guess that is what happens when one is an 86-year-old broad. In my younger years there was a time I was so impatient to get from one place to another that I ran instead of walked. And my mind was always racing.

This morning when I sat outside with my coffee, birds were twittering all over the place. Amy Tan’s The Backyard Bird Chronicles, which I’m currently reading – and enjoying – inspired me to go inside and get a notebook and start my own chronicles. While my small patio yard doesn’t compare to Tan’s bird haven, I do have a tall cottonwood and two tall oleander bushes in it, plus a couple of bird feeders and one for hummingbird nectar.

As I watched and listened, house sparrows, verdins, lesser goldfinches, house finches, mourning and white-winged doves, Europeans starlings and a spotted grosbeak made their presence known. The bonus was a rose-breasted grosbeak that as far as I know was a first to visit my backyard.

I enjoyed this morning, too, — but not more I think then I did the one in which I simply sat quietly, with only my mind wandering about. It has never stopped racing.

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After 85 years, I still believe that behind every storm there is a silver lining. — Art by Pat Bean

From vowing on Mondays that I will have a more productive week than the one before to life after a divorce, starting over has been the theme of my life for the past 85 years. The first time I remember this happening was when my family moved when I was 12 years old.

 I saw the move as a golden opportunity for a new beginning. It meant I would be leaving five years of being bullied and the nickname of Cootie Brain behind. I was that kid whom nobody chose to sit with at lunch and the last one called when team captains picked players. I wasn’t even popular with teachers due to my inability to stay in my seat and a loud voice that they were continually shushing.

I suspect the brain part of my nickname came from the fact I was a straight A student whose hand was always the first to go up when a question was asked, and the cootie part came from the fact I always came to school with stringy, tangled hair. I blamed my mother for that for many years, until I realized I used to scream when she tried to comb my hair, besides which she was burdened with two toddlers just 11 months apart, was the sole caretaker of her bed-ridden mother, and had a husband who spent most of his paycheck before coming home late Friday nights.

It was a stressful household, and I cried a lot, both in school and out of it. At least by the time we were forced to move from my grandmother’s house after her death, I had learned to wash, comb and even curl my own hair.

The move came at the end of fifth grade and I had the whole summer ahead of me to mull over the persona I wanted to present to my new schoolmates. It just so happened that this was the summer I read Eleanor Porter’s books about Pollyanna, a fictional character who is always cheerful and who always looks for the good side of things.

I credit these books for helping me get through the rest of my school years with at least a few friends, even though I still hadn’t conquered my tendency to get too loud when I was excited. Years later, I realized that the friends who accepted me as I was were really the only friends I needed.

Meanwhile, Pollyanna’s philosophy continues to influence me today in that I look for a silver lining when bad things happen. The glitter usually isn’t too hard to find – until this past year when I had a massive heart attack that required three surgeries and the placement of three stents.

My whole life became a start over, and I didn’t take it graciously. While I appreciated that I had family and friends who were there to help me, I resented that they were too eager to help me. I had always been, out of necessity for most of my life, self-sufficient. It hurt me that suddenly I couldn’t fully take care of my own needs. Having to accept that I couldn’t do it all on my own was even worse than being called Cootie Brain. This was a start-over that was out of my control and I resented it.

Thankfully, I’ve mostly come to grips with my new life by now. On the plus side, I have more energy this year than I did at the start of 2024 and have healed enough so I can mostly take care of my own needs once again – but I’m not so dumb as not to know how blessed I am that I have loved ones waiting in the wings.  

In the meantime, life has become even more precious – plus just as important, I still believe in silver linings.

Pat Bean is a retired award-winning journalist who lives in Tucson with her canine companion Scamp. She is an avid reader whose mind is always asking questions (many of which are unanswerable), an enthusiastic birder, staff writer for Story Circle Network’s Journal, author of Travels with Maggie available on Amazon (Free on Kindle Unlimited), and is always searching for life’s silver lining. She also believes one is never too old to chase a dream.

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